March 4, 2008

It is so good to be home!

My mind has written an update several times but sometimes my thoughts were too jumbled to be written articulately. Most importantly, I wanted to express how deeply grateful I am to each of you for your prayers and written support. David or my sister would read your comments to me and they brought me so much comfort in some of the darkest hours. It was such a surprise to hear from friends from years ago.

I have shed alot of tears and just when I thought I couldn't possibly cry again...another torrent would follow. Being home has helped alot. Just being with my precious boys has brought alot of comfort. The hospital didn't allow children under age 12 to visit but they did make an exception for short visits.

One of the most difficult decisions that was made was to place Seth in preschool 5 days a week from 8-12. The school offered this to us at no expense and since my health is still tenuous, it is the best decision...and my head knows this but my heart hurts. Yesterday morning when everyone left at the same time and I heard the soft thud of the door...I had never felt so lonely!

The school support has been simply overwhelming! From preschool for Seth to free lunches for Zach and Samuel and meals that arrive every evening for dinner...groceries that appear mysteriously in David's room to gift cards that are unsigned...I could go on and on but God has expressed His love in such a tangible way that has us totally humbled and amazed.

I followed up with the retinal specialist today. This was important for several reasons. One, I have felt that the vision in my left eye has continued to worsen over this week. At this point, I can only see large images but no detail. (It is probably similar to someone who has severe macular degeration). I also wanted to be certain of a clear diagnosis and finally to avoid a bacterial infection which can happen if the infection "seeds" in the eye.

I left with such thankfulness to God. My right eye, which you and I have prayed that God would keep safely in His palm, is doing great! In fact, the doctor said that the areas of damage are disappearing! Thank you, God! Last week the doctor never mentioned that those spots would ever go away!

My left eye did worsen over the week but there is edema and a fluid-filled cyst in my retina, which the doctor feels will decrease. This is in an area that is very close to my central vision field and he thinks that some of my vision will return. He said that it will never be normal and there are definite areas of permanent damage but the fact that I might gain a small portion gives me great hope and I am thankful. And the "floaters" that drive me nuts right now will eventually settle or my brain will learn to ignore them.

I do have a couple of areas in the left eye where there are "white spots," which the doctor will watch for bacterial infection. He does not think that this will happen but will require antibiotic shots in the eye if it does! (Certainly hoping NOT!)

For those (if any) who are medically interested, these strokes were caused by the bacterial infection in my blood, which coagulated with my own immune system. This was not thought to be cardiac in nature.

My family has told me that many of you blogged about my situation on your personal blog. I am deeply humbled and grateful for your call to prayer. I have been asked if after what I have been through (my near death after the birth of Seth almost 4 years ago,etc) if I have asked, "why me?" I have not. So many families endure much more hardship! However when my sister read me a portion of a book by Sheila Walsh, The Heartache No One Sees, I'll admit I could relate: Ms. Walsh says one of the most difficult things to do in times of crisis is to go for comfort to the One who could have prevented it from happening in the first place.

I don't understand why God permitted this storm but for now I am trying to focus on praise. The song that comes to my mind most frequently is that by Casting Crowns, I'll Praise You In The Storm.

I was sure by now, God that you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper though the rain,
"I'm with you."
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I'll praise you in this storm.

So, tonight, my dear readers, thank you for you prayers.

I am still very weak from the blood loss and have at least 2 more procedures to go through before the month is out. Please continue to pray for my healing but pray that God will give me a spirit of praise in the midst of this storm.