Our oldest son will frequently take advantage of his middle brother, usually mentally but sometimes physically--even though his brother is pushing 80 pounds and could cream his clock! Don’t gasp! (I’ve asked around and ours isn’t the only home that has this struggle). This has really bothered me. Not only is this not Christ-like, it isn’t good friendship either. So following an incident where I saw younger brother outwitted again, I thought it was time for an intervention.
The book, A Bargain For Frances, came to mind, where Frances is often out-maneuvered by her friend, Thelma. This level 2 reading book is several years beneath Zachary’s reading capabilities but I asked Zachary to write a paper about any similarities he sees between himself and Thelma. I also asked for him to include changes that were necessary to maintain good friendship and Christ-like behavior. His paper brought tears to my eyes and a new self-awareness to him about the “necessity “ he feels to outsmart his brother.
Zachary is competitive, as most boys are, but there is a difference between good, fun competition and outwitting to your advantage…just because you can.
Are any of you brave enough to comment on how you handle this among your children?
Comments
I think what you did is a great idea. I thought my dad was the only one who did stuff like that! We don't have children but some of the best and most lasting lessons I have learned have been in this manner. Sometimes it was looking up Bible verses and explaining them on a certain topic. Other times it was turning in a paper on each chapter of "Preparing for Adolescence" by Dr Dobson. My dad was creative in discipline and didn't have much use for spankings and time out--though I had my share of those, too! I could go on and on--even longer!-but I'll just say I think this form of discipline is very beneficial for most personalities.
I often remind the biggest/oldest child in this house that he has been given a wonderful responsibility of being the example to his 3 younger siblings. I try to help him understand that this was a gift from God and that it is not something he should take lightly. They WILL copy him, they WILL look up to him (probably for life) and how he treats them and speaks to them WILL affect how they feel about themselves. Having those conversations has really seemed to help him understand his responsibility in not taking advantage of being the oldest and the wisest and the biggest.
Another thing I tell my two oldest, and will tell the younger two when they can understand...if you are "just having fun" or "just teasing" another sibling (or cousin or friend) but you are the only one who is enjoying it and the other person is upset, or crying, or sad then what you are doing is not "having fun" but in fact you are being a bully. If it is fun, then you should BOTH be laughing or having a good time...not just one of you.
And of course I also use the old standby of "don't say or do anything to someone else you wouldn't want them to say or do to you." If a younger sibling is protesting that something an older child is doing isn't fair and I know he is being unfair then I ask him how he would feel if he were the younger sibling and they were the older sibling and he was the one being treated that way. When he looks at it from their perspective then he can see where they are coming from.
I'm sure you are doing a great job and the training/teaching will continue to pay off.
On a side note Amy, THANK YOU for all you have done to encourage and give advice to my own little sister, she just adores and admires you so much and I'm so grateful to you.
Thanks for sharing your life experiences. I think that creative discipline is often times more effective, I just am not creative enough, I think! :-)
Mary Ellen,
I have heard it said that Satan will make a stronger effort to turn the oldest child away from Christ...because other children are more likely to be influenced by their older siblings. There are certainly exceptions to this but I have seen this happen! I think that by your teaching your older children to take their responsibility to teach their younger siblings seriously will pay off. Ahhh and your "bullying" point. I hate the idea of bullying in any form and you are right. I called it "out-maneuvered" but really it is a form of bullying. Hmmm. gotta think about that!
As per your sis, I love her! I don't think of myself as being an encouragement to her, just a friend. I find her to be an inspiration and encouragement to me!
I emailed you when I saw you on the study list not knowing that you had already replied to me on my blog. I need to update it I guess. Have a safe trip. Will enjoy knowing we are studying the same thing with 500 of our closest cyber friends. Love, LINDA