Partly my blog is to keep in touch with family and friends—both old and new—but also it is to be honest about my walk with Christ and who I am (or not) in Him. It isn’t always easy to be transparent. Sometimes, I would rather hide behind "cloaks of righteousness," where wounds are not exposed or sin to be criticized. Frankly I did that for years and I didn’t help anyone. And I am most encouraged in my journey by those who are open and willing to be honest about their journey too.
Sundays have been the hardest day of the week for me since our move to Georgia. (Sundays are hard period. Of course, maybe this just happens in my home, but try as I may, Sunday mornings are not always peace filled). And I went to church this morning with attitude.
The ugly truth is I do not want to go to the church that my husband has chosen.
I cannot find fault, if you will, with anything to speak of. The music is praise directed and there is little to no mention of the worship team being Casting Crowns. It’s not a showy worship team--the screens show very little of them, which is another part that I really like –not too much focus on the singer versus the song. The pastor preaches the Word. Our boys really enjoy church.
It’s just big. Too big, in my opinion. For me, anyway. I feel like I’ve landed in the land of the giants and I’m a gnat.
I’ve come to face the fact that my comfort zone was Grace Church and it had not only become comfortable but relational. I felt comfortable and liked, and I liked being comfortable and liked. And I have not liked being a nobody.
So today I went to church unhappy… again.
Forgetting that just last week a very kind woman named Bernadette warmly welcomed me and invited, no insisted, that I come to Bible Study on Thursday morning at church. I was sick and unable to go. I didn’t think a lot about it….just enough to remember to apologize IF I saw her again this week.
So I sat and stood and listened and felt angry. Angry until the lyrics to this song by Hillsong were sung.
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You Lead me,
lead me to the cross
How could I? How could I sit and be angry? Rid me of myself, I belong to you…lead me to the cross where Your love poured out…bring me to my knees Lord, I lay me down…Lead me to the cross
In those moments, the well of my heart opened and tears of surrender flowed.
I wish I could say I wasn’t a slow study and that I wouldn’t struggle anymore but I know differently, this is a process and there will be more times of surrender.
Bernadette…she found me after church and said she waited for me Thursday morning.She reached and held my hand as she spoke to me but I believe that it was God holding my hand this morning at Eagles Landing First Baptist Church through a beautiful 60 something lady named Bernadette. She will be waiting for me again this week.
Sundays have been the hardest day of the week for me since our move to Georgia. (Sundays are hard period. Of course, maybe this just happens in my home, but try as I may, Sunday mornings are not always peace filled). And I went to church this morning with attitude.
The ugly truth is I do not want to go to the church that my husband has chosen.
I cannot find fault, if you will, with anything to speak of. The music is praise directed and there is little to no mention of the worship team being Casting Crowns. It’s not a showy worship team--the screens show very little of them, which is another part that I really like –not too much focus on the singer versus the song. The pastor preaches the Word. Our boys really enjoy church.
It’s just big. Too big, in my opinion. For me, anyway. I feel like I’ve landed in the land of the giants and I’m a gnat.
I’ve come to face the fact that my comfort zone was Grace Church and it had not only become comfortable but relational. I felt comfortable and liked, and I liked being comfortable and liked. And I have not liked being a nobody.
So today I went to church unhappy… again.
Forgetting that just last week a very kind woman named Bernadette warmly welcomed me and invited, no insisted, that I come to Bible Study on Thursday morning at church. I was sick and unable to go. I didn’t think a lot about it….just enough to remember to apologize IF I saw her again this week.
So I sat and stood and listened and felt angry. Angry until the lyrics to this song by Hillsong were sung.
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You Lead me,
lead me to the cross
How could I? How could I sit and be angry? Rid me of myself, I belong to you…lead me to the cross where Your love poured out…bring me to my knees Lord, I lay me down…Lead me to the cross
In those moments, the well of my heart opened and tears of surrender flowed.
I wish I could say I wasn’t a slow study and that I wouldn’t struggle anymore but I know differently, this is a process and there will be more times of surrender.
Bernadette…she found me after church and said she waited for me Thursday morning.She reached and held my hand as she spoke to me but I believe that it was God holding my hand this morning at Eagles Landing First Baptist Church through a beautiful 60 something lady named Bernadette. She will be waiting for me again this week.
Comments
You don't know what a relief it is to hear your honesty. I too often have an attitude about church. Most day I just don't even want to go. I go because I'm supposed to go. I miss my dad's preaching, I miss the old hymns I'm used to. I could go on and on. I'm not yet where you are in the acceptance yet. Maybe soon?
Twila
I'm not sure that I am making sense but I know what I want to be and what I haven't been. So acceptance? Probably not complete, acceptance but reluctant, gracious acceptance and by God's help eventually complete acceptance but for now, surrender and it's sweet.
Thanks, Twila. It's always good to hear fom you! And BTW, even your admission--that's tranparency.
~Laura
I know your heart is speaking here--and I love you for it.
I believe that I don't lose myself, so to speak, but in submission, become one in David and his decisions. This is alot easier to say than to do! David does not make decisions casually nor does he make them to hurt me and he would readily admit that he is fallible.
I do have a voice. For example several years ago (right after Seth's birth) he had three job offers--all moving us away-- but all "good" offers. I was terrified to think of leaving all of you and my support base. I was also concerned that a big move would slow and maybe halt his completion of his doctorate. He did listen and decided not accept any offers that year. This move was different. He believed completely that this was God's will and he hasn't looked back. Right now, he believes that we should attend the church here now but he hasn't said that this is where we'll attend for years. I'm impatient and I want to find a place where my roots can start to develop. I think that the "me" of "us" is selfish and I am not being a martyr. I know I talk alot about this Daniel study but it has really opened my eyes to see "Babylon" for what it is--"all about me."
Maybe here is the short summary, I have a vote, David has 2. He listens (and I DO talk)and considers but he decides.